Who Wears Short Shorts?

October 13, 2014

Certainly not me.

As the warmer weather approaches, I find myself stuck in a Grand-Canyonesque summer style rut.

Unlike those who have gone straight to booty shorts and crop tops as the mercury hovers around 28 degrees (seriously? Give yourself some wiggle room, people. What are you going to wear when it’s 45 degrees in the shade??) I find myself still favouring leggings, pants and the occasional ankle-grazer jean.

How I’d love to throw on a pair of fun pineapple print shorts and a black singlet, don a pair of Wayfarers, a stack of bangles and some Havaianas, shake out my sun-bleached tousled tresses and lounge around in the sun (for a short period of time, appropriately coated in SPF, before moving into the shade, naturally)

I Google Image searched the particular pair of shorts to illustrate the sentence above and was surprised (and quite stoked) to come up with pretty much this exact outfit at Citybeach.com

I'm taking the Havaianas as read
Image from www.citybeach.com.au

Here’s what prevents me from doing just that.

1. Age

I turn thirty-actual-six on Thursday, October 16, 2014 (at 9 minutes past 8pm, precisely).

I am quite fine with this and in, fact, have enjoyed myself thoroughly since turning 30 (with occasional nostalgic sighs when watching the movies of my teen years like Empire Records), but there has to be a point – as an ordinary, suburban, thirty-something mother where you Just. Can’t. Even.

2. Rig and rack

Since my late teens, I’ve hovered between a size 10-12 with a 12DD bust. Since busting out my baby in 2013, it’s more like size 12-14, a 14DD bust and a significantly more gelatinous belly. Since the age of 16, this has meant industrial-strength bra straps in my choice of black, white or *shudder* nude on the daily, resulting in a lifetime ban on halternecks, racerbacks and spaghetti straps. I even struggle with tank tops, singlets and sleeveless dresses as the armholes are pulled forward by the projection of the bust, revealing unattractive side-bra. Forget anything button-up. And now with the squidgy midriff, clingy fabrics and lack of camoflauge around the waistline has consigned a lot of things to the off-limits zone until the gym starts delivering on results. I probably have to attend more often for that to happen.

3. Small face syndrome

I have suffered sunglasses envy for most of my life. Most fashionable pairs make me look like some kind of insectoid-human hybrid and following trends has resulted in major and expensive errors of judgement, like when Oakleys were the shades du jour:

And it's not even Thursday!

It’s only recently, after hours of dedicated online research, I have found suitably elegant sunglasses from Kate Spade, specifically designed for pinheads like myself.

They are nice and comfortable to wear but also quite mature and don't really scream “fun in the sun”.

Kate Spade "Annika" polarised sunglasses. Image from eyeglasses4all.com

4. Skinny wrists

I have ridiculously skinny wrists and forearms.  Anything that isn’t child-sized or elasticated hangs down around my middle thumb knuckle and makes my arm looks like a game of hoopla. This has also severely impacted my watch-buying activities, especially during the oversized trend of the mid 90s and the boyfriend trend of today. (Not to mention my dyscalculia forcing me to have one with proper numbers on it so I at least have some chance of telling the time correctly).

5. Thin foot skin/poor circulation/tight arse

Rubber thongs (that’s the Australian term for footwear, not the American term for fetish underwear) rub almost immediately, causing long lasting abrasions on my feet and great dismay on my face. The best thongs I’ve had over the last two years have been two $12 fabric and foam pairs from Big W . . . unfortunately worn down so quickly the sole becomes almost transparent but at least they don’t rub or abrade. Also, I am not down with paying $30 for a pair of double-pluggers.

6. Uncooperative hair

My hair doesn’t tousle. It’s either poker straight or an unsightly mess and not in a carefully-constructed, Bonds swing-tag kind of way. The kind of hair where the part is so straight that after an all-over colour, it's Week 1: good, Week 2: good, Week 3: good, Week 4: good, Week 5: white trash. Forget ombre. It looks like I'm too poor to get my roots did.

So what will I be wearing this summer?

Probably a selection of lightweight 7/8 pants and Converse tees, cropped jeans, carefully sought-out tops with banded waists (hello, Millers!) and capped sleeve dresses. 


What are you looking forward to busting out this summer?

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